Scene From A Mini Market In Argentina - Present Day

INT. ROSCO SUPERMARCADO, BARILOCHE (CHILE) - DAY


A MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MAN in his mid-30’s is shopping for mayonnaise.  He is comparing the ingredients of local mayonnaise (cheap) and Hellman’s (expensive, imported).  An OLDER, GRAYING COUPLE minds the cash register.


Two Men Enter.  KENNY is at the age when men start to fall apart, his gut hanging over his belt buckle and a face full of drunkard wrinkles.   JIM is of the same age/variety and sports a hat that promotes “Jim’s Excavating. Great Neck, NY.  We DIG.”.  


JIM

(to male half of graying couple)

Do you have phone cards?  The cheap kind.  To call internationally.


MALE HALF/GRAYING COUPLE

No entiendo.  Por favor…aqui?

(points to the wall)


JIM

I said do you have any phone cards.


Blank faces from OLDER GRAYING COUPLE.


JIM

I said do you have any phone cards.


KENNY, rummaging through magazines, comes to life.  He pivots with his Reebok Lowtops (the kind that you buy at a wholesale liquidator) and holds up a magazine that shows the racier parts of the female anatomy.


KENNY

They got titty porn here in Argentina.


The centerfold is a triple-flap and it falls open as he motions for Jim to come over.


MIDLY ATTRACTIVE MAN IN HIS MID THIRTIES places the mayonnaise back on the shelf (carelessly, next to the mustard) and ferociously digs for his notepad and pen.  He starts scribbling as the men talk, sure that he will cry if they don’t continue.


KENNY

Jeez, Jim.  We’re gonna have to get this.  This is some primo stuff.


JIM

Yeah I’m gonna need that too.  


(a beat)


Yeah I’m really gonna need that later.  But we gotta walk around and stuff.  I don’t wanna carry it all day.  The bags are all see-through and stuff.


KENNY

It’s the last one though.  I’ll just buy it and leave it here.  We can pick up later.


MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MID-30’s GUY is obviously trying to process the logic behind this move.  He comes to the conclusion that, while quite simple, this solution is pure genius.  


KENNY

Hey Lady.  Can I buy this now and come back for it later?


FEMALE HALF OF OLDER, GREYING COUPLE looks confused by his words and even more puzzled as to why an American dressed like a gym teacher is waving a vagina in her face.  OLDER, GREYING COUPLE BOTH LOOK at MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MID-30’S GUY.


FEMALE HALF OF OLDER, GREYING COUPLE

(to MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MID-30’s GUY)

Habla Espanol?


MILDY ATTRACIVE MID-30’s GUY

Un Poquito Mas.


JIM

You gottta tell her what we want, bro.  Take one for the team.  Help us out.


KENNY

Tell her we’ll buy a bottle of Soco too.  It’s like, one third of the price that it is on The Island.  


(Scene continues to play out like this: MAM30’sG coordinates the purchase in broken Spanish, managing to convey that the gentlemen care to circle back for their purchases later, and that there is no need for giftwrapping. MAM30’sG purchases Hellman’s mayonnaise ((feeling like a sucker for falling for a Name Brand)) and gives a what-are-you-going-to-do shrug to the OLDER, GREYING COUPLE.)  


EXT. ROSCO SUPERMARCADO, BARILOCHE (CHILE) - DAY


MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MID-30’s GUY is wandering home, wondering if he, too, will end up like this one day, sharing print pornography on a holiday with the only friend that will still have him, possibly having some kind of competition to see who can orgasm faster, or more likely furthest.  He wonders about their ex-wives and at what point they pulled the ripchord from the biggest mistake of their lives.  He wonders about the wives' mothers, who surely warned them that This Would Happen, and if they rubbed it in after the breakup.


He ponders the endurance of print pornography, then agrees with himself that the life of this format is only five years from its demise, given the progression of handheld gadgets and the ubiquity of WiFi/GSM/etc.  


He also wonders why Jim and Kenny have come to Argentina and not Florida, where cheap sluts and Soco are within short driving distance of most hotel properties.  He then smiles because he understands why this moment is so important: The realization that matter how much of the world there is left to see, there will always be filthy men from strip-mall towns out there to amuse him.  He sleeps well for the first night in a week.