Woe Was Me

Img_0680

I have only been in love once. I am talking about the kind of love that dazes your days and smacks you like a UFO sighting. Overpowering, crushing, kneedropping, how-did-this-happen-to-me love.

I met Dan through a 14.4 dialup modem in 1996. It was a challenge to access the World Wide Web in those days, let alone view anything that loaded in under five minutes. I had just been given a monstrous laptop from my new job, which accessorized perfectly with my lunchbox-sized cell phone. I began doing something called "surfing", which meant finding websites linked from others.

I suppose I was trapped in some pink link ring when I stumbled on Dan's Diary. Nowadays, just google "hamster in the ass" and a wiki will come up, explaining some fetish and its mistaken correlation to an actor with grey, feathered hair. Back then, if you were not linked, you were invisible.

As everyone knows, the internet was originally invented for scientists and lonely gay people. It was the shot- heard-round-the-world for men who had the brain of a scientist but abs of a pastry chef. It was also the most embarrassing place to meet someone romantically, thought of as a sewer where rats met and bred. Thousands of mid-nineties relationships were given false beginnings to the outside world. "We met in a bar, mom" was much easier to swallow than "we met in an AOL message forum about Vulcan roleplaying".

You must also understand that people used to genuinely work at the office. Ten minutes was never wasted on Britney' snatch or Scrabble battles with Betty From Duluth. It wasn't until my laptop arrived that I began wasting time on the clock. My modem was constantly dialing, trying to find a local number that would connect me to America Online's labyrinth of message boards. It was during one of these wasted office hours that I discovered Dan's Diary.

It was a seemingly simple site, which required hours of programming back then. The idea that somebody would regularly document their life was crazy. The webmasters of those days were regarded as gurus, pulling off something that any douchebag with a keyboard and WiFi can do today. The truth is, Dan's blogging preceded the term by ten years. He was a Woe Pioneer.

I read as many entries as I could in one work day, before packing the Black Monster into my bag and flying to Cincinnati for a business trip. I finished the final entries on an airport floor, dialed up through a newfangled port on a public pay phone. Technology was moving fast.

There is no understating what Dan's Diary did to me. It made me feel like there was someone else exactly like me (who wasn't Morrissey or Lou Barlow), a real person capable of breathing the same air that I breathed. He even liked my favorite band, a semi obscure shoegazing outfit called Spiritualized. I was thrilled.

I wrote the email to Dan all night long. I knew that it was a futile exercise; that I would never see a reply from someone who probably got dozens of emails per day (dozens was, like, a lot back then). The letter was the most honest thing I had ever written. It was the first true proclamation of my homo-whatever and one of the few times that I showed all of my cards. I confessed my huge high school crush, my deepest secrets and my favorite Mazzy Star song lyrics. I pushed send as soon as it was finished, for fear that I would lose my connection.

Then, nothing.

Then, something.

Two days later an email arrived. It was surprisingly long and began with a confession. Dan was not, in fact, writing the diary in real time. He was posting bits of his early 20's experience while now in his late 20's. It was more a memoir and less a diary. This did not phase me because he went on to write the best letter that I have ever read. It was like a songwriter telling me that I was the guy in his songs. 

I walked around the East Village ninety times, re-reading the line-printed copy of his letter and trying to fathom my response. I had nobody to call because I was entirely in the closet, without a soul to talk to about the chemicals screaming through my brain. I was at the emotional level of a fourteen year old, having never had any feelings for the dozens of girls that I felt up and dumped. This was all frighteningly new.

I wrote back a letter that rivaled the length of something written by Tolstoy, unable to stop myself but sure that its length and contents would put Dan off me. My new letter, further pouring out my heart and pathetic feelings, might as well have come from the psych ward at Lennox Hill Hospital. If it was a Harry Potter howler, it would have screamed "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU."

Then nothing. Then something.

Lots of something. Hundreds of pages of letters flew back and forth over the next two months, often even slowing down the progress of the website, which angered many addicts of the diary. Dan regularly received letters from bereaved men in their sixties who were tired of watching Dallas re-runs and ignoring their wives. He confessed to me that many of these men offerred him money, plane tickets and promises...they felt like they knew him from the diary and were in love with him too. The thing was, my creepy love was requited.

We both changed our calling plans so that we could talk into the night. I would dial his nine digits into my plastic Connair touchtone, praying that my roommates could not hear my fluttered conversation. I would lay on my floor like a fifteen year old, twirling the cord between my fingers and toes.

The first call was the most terrifying thing I had ever done, besides fingerbanging the girls previously mentioned.

"This is weird".

"This is really weird".

"Are you breathing normally?"

"No."

"Me neither. I might have an embolism"

"Don't".

"Ok".

"What's an embolism?"

We were pushing the three month mark when one of us finally brought up the idea of meeting. He lived in Boston and I lived in New York, so the distance was surmountable enough if we were not so chicken shit.

Even a social retard now knows that you should move a relationship offline within a week. I was not even experienced enough to ask for a picture. Keep in mind, this was when a modem made a high pitched shrill upon dialup.

I was too scared to make the simple trip - our relationship was just too perfect. Any chance that it might deflate was just too scary to consider. So, we continued until I finally had to be in Boston for work, a couple more months later.

"I am going to be in Boston."

"My Boston?"

"Yeah, your Boston. The one at the end of the Mass Pike "

"Oh."

We were both witty on paper or after 2am. 11pm to 2am was not our strike zone.

"So, we should meet?"

"This is going to be a disaster."

"Challenger Level disaster".

"Exactly."

"We have to."

"I know."

Everything about the meeting was ill conceived, from the location to the plan. We were to meet in my room at The Park Plaza Hotel, an institution that was glorious in 1962 but, despite hanging onto it's prime real estate, could never quite maintain that original polish. It was where wives went to drink champagne and men went to hammer their secretaries.

From there, there was no plan. I was so nervous that I could not work out a proper first date. First, there was the (ludicrous) proposition that somebody should see us and learn of our homosexuality. Second, I had no idea where we could go and be comfortable picking up the dozens of conversation threads of the past five months.

Third. Oh god. This was happening.

I was pacing at seven, when he was supposed to arrive. I was frantic by 7:20. By 8:00, I was nearly throwing up, imagining that he had panicked and fled for home. I pondered running through Cambridge with a boom box overhead playing "Fade Into You".

Then a knock on the door.

I had told myself that I would not look at the keyhole but I did anyway. Imagine how many people have been inappropriately judged through a keyhole since its invention.

I opened the door to find the opposite of my dreams. Dan was, it seemed, human. His hair was thinning, his waist was expanding and his glasses were the size of icecaps. He looked twice as frightened as me, which put him at Defcon Five. I invited him in.

I was so busy being nervous that I could not even process how to handle things. Physically, this was not the man if my dreams. My mind was trying to catch up, to figure out if I could accept this substitute. Had I simply expected too much? Were the pages more important than the cover?

Anyone who tells you that the cover is unimportant is lying, or needs to drop forty pounds. The cover is what sells the book. Over the past few months I had read the forward, contents and the press quotes without seeing that it was bound with. I knew after seeing Dan in person that I could not purchase this volume.

He knew it before he even came into he room. Being older and a natural fatalist, he knew that it was going to be a tragic occasion. He had driven around for an hour stalling the inevitable but eventually swallowed and walked forward.

There we were, alone in the room, already weary by the seconds of anxiety. Neither of us could get out a full sentence.

"So what do."

"Not sure. Do we?"

"I guess stay or."

Maybe something just here. "

"In the room. Movie maybe. "

We payperviewed a thriller starring Gina Davis, when her career had promise and zing. We watched it sitting inches apart on the full-sized bed, both pretending to watch the movie and both doing the opposite. Our minds were racing, doing triage. Neither of our diagnosises seemed promising. This silent hemorrhaging continued for over two hours, at which point Gina Davis' career began its descent.

"That was horrible."

"She'll never recover."

"So, I should go. You think?"

"Yeah. I think."

"OK".

A walk to the door. A horribly confused moment. An exit.

Three days passed before we interacted again. The meeting was such a letdown that neither of us had recovered well. I came home and called in sick with what every New Yorker claims ails them (sushi food poisoning). I didn't listen to melodramatic music. I did not write in a journal. I did not drink or smoke too much. I just wallowed on the bed in my tiny bedroom, trying to figure out how everything could be fixed. I didn't want Dan out of my life - I just wanted the memory of The Park Plaza Hotel to be wiped from my brain. I wanted to go back to the way things were when I did not know what he looked like, or that our chemistry could be so disrupted. I wanted back my virtual reality.

It was never the same. Dan kept me at the center of his life, while I tried to be more absentminded about his existence. I used to crave his emails but now they plagued me. My guilt over this made me feel even worse. He called me out as I dodged him, which made me even more cagey and distant. His tone took that of a person losing love, yet I read it as that of a stalker. He became somebody who would not take no when it came to being in my life. I became a giant asshole.

So, it ended. I don't remember how. It may have been something quick after one of his long, confused emails. It may have been one of my brief letters with lines that were meant to be read through. Either way, I found ways to occupy The Space of Dan in my life, locking him into the part of my brain that stores confusion.

I still think about Dan all of the time. It happens at the best times, like when i discover a new band or read a new book. Or travel somewhere that he would never want to go because they don't have hamburgers. I smirk and laugh and have a moment. I imagine that he is there, comprehending.

Getting older frames things in ways that they were not intended to be hung. The time between Dan's Diary and now has negated the bad things and brightened the good ones. I can only remember how romantic it all was and am sure that I will never feel this way again, mostly because my innocence is now polluted to the point of toxicity.

I will feel this strongly about someone else, someday. But I worry that the marker has been set too high, if anything can ever achieve the intensity of Dan.

It's funny how two hours in a hotel room can completely fuck up your whole life.

Are You Getting It? Really Getting It?

 

<img src="http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii7/Mrgunzshow/hysteria_b000001fky.jpg" border="0"></a>

Traveling alone only begins to wear on me when The Thing happens.  It is always brought upon by not having spoken to people in days, often in areas where I just simply can’t grasp the language (particularly countries where syllables like “yeoowowowowoweee” contribute greatly to an adverb).  The Thing is simply this:  One song gets in my head, loops and repeats for days.

You’re thinking, “That’s happened to me!”    I’m thinking you’re very fucking wrong.   You’re probably imagining “Beautiful” by James Blunt invading your mind for a few hours while cleaning, or whistling “Lady Marmalade” in the shower, eventually uttering “Geez, I wish that would stop.” The frequency with which you replay this song is 1/100th of how often I will hear it and 1/1,000,000th  of the duration it will stay stuck in the front of my mind.  It is not always just the ‘hook’ of a song that hangs upon me, either.  It can be one line from a verse, a drum fill or even a throwaway grunt.   There are moments, around day five, when I feel that there no cure possible, much like when any human enters hour two of the hiccups.  Except there is BOO- ing it out of me.

Currently, The Thing is in high gear.  The song in question is “Armageddon It”, the fifth single from Def Leppard’s multi platinum album Hysteria.  The album purged seven singles and sold twenty million copies over the years 1987-1988.  Two of the album’s tunes (“Armageddon It” and “Rocket”) were gigantic pieces of poo, only becoming hits based on the sheer momentum of the Leppard juggernaut and the audacity of singer Joe Eliott’s power-mullet.  There is no reason why this song should have been filed into my memory banks - it is only mildly significant given the amount of trash that I have since consumed.   Yet my brain has chosen to remember every lyric.  This is the same brain that cannot hold onto the Spanish translation of  “I think I am dying. I need a doctor.” 

The song revolves around one main hook, in the form of a poignant question: “Are You Getting It?”   Many, many times that question is answered, “Yes, Armageddon It”.  Upon first listen, you could have no idea how doomsday figured into this whole catastrophe of a hit, because this reply is sounded out phonetically like “I’m-a-getting-it”.   Then, around listen #2 one realizes that one is privy to some kind of sinister wordplay, a dialect that the band assuredly deemed “fucking brilliant” during the writing process.   

“Armageddon It” is insipid, vulgar and trite.   For this reason, I also believe it to be a shining example of America’s tone in 1987.   It would never have occurred to a majority of the record-buying public that lyrics like these (“Pull it.  Pull it.  Trigger the gun.”) were any less important than books being delivered by Updike.  This was the year during which the decade went off the rails, just before the populace entered rehab or began Pilates class (yoga’s older aunt).   The country was deeply imbued in a collective conscious where anything went, where anything could be bought and where any problem could be dimmed by nineteen rails of blow. 

Injecting Def Leppard into this particular decade was masterful work on the part of Whoever Is Up There.  The band sensed no irony in their fame and their career is chock full of debaucherous stories.  This bravado would have fallen flat in any year after 1992 but Def Leppard hit the sweet spot, dropping affable hits on a public that also accepted bands w ith names like Ratt, Cinderella and Poison.  They’ve sold a jaw-dropping 65 million albums.  To put that into perspective, the top three albums of 2008 sold a com bined seven million copies.   These ka-ching sales were bolstered by lines like “You know you got it.  So don’t rock it.  You know you got it.”  It really makes you wonder about the human race, and where it was headed before thermal replaced spandex.

When The Thing is in full gear, I will sometimes role play that I am the singer. Especially in this song, when Elliot suggests that the guitarist tear into an unusually horrific solo. I mouth along “C’mon Steve, get it”, just before he mauls the fretboard with ill-advised wizardry.   Unfortunately, Steve is no longer Armageddon It because he died in 1991, after downing painkillers and allegedly consuming a triple vodka, a quadruple vodka and a double brandy within thirty minutes.  He will serve as an example of those who never came back from the dark side of the 80’s, adjusting poorly to a life that didn’t involve excess.  

It is very easy to point out the absurdity of “Armageddon It” now but in the interest of full disclosure, I owned the single on both twelve inch and cassingle (an equally absurd format, with fidelity that sounded like the vocals were being played through the other side of a mattress).   By the time Hysteria was released, I had seen Def Leppard eight times over the course of two albums.  I had served detention for carving their logo into my school desk, spooged myself when I learned the first chords to “Photograph” and did not have hair dissimilar to bassist Rick Savage (note: his real last name).  It is not that I am judging anyone for writing this song, nor for pumping fists along with its melodies.  It’s more that we were all that stupid for feeling emotion when we sang along.

“Armageddon It” became a Top 20 hit in the UK and reached #3 on the USA pop charts in 1988.  Right now it is #1 with a  bullet in my head, stuck in The Thing for at least a while longer.   I’m just praying that Billy Squier isn’t waiting around the corner.

 

Scene From A Mini Market In Argentina - Present Day

INT. ROSCO SUPERMARCADO, BARILOCHE (CHILE) - DAY


A MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MAN in his mid-30’s is shopping for mayonnaise.  He is comparing the ingredients of local mayonnaise (cheap) and Hellman’s (expensive, imported).  An OLDER, GRAYING COUPLE minds the cash register.


Two Men Enter.  KENNY is at the age when men start to fall apart, his gut hanging over his belt buckle and a face full of drunkard wrinkles.   JIM is of the same age/variety and sports a hat that promotes “Jim’s Excavating. Great Neck, NY.  We DIG.”.  


JIM

(to male half of graying couple)

Do you have phone cards?  The cheap kind.  To call internationally.


MALE HALF/GRAYING COUPLE

No entiendo.  Por favor…aqui?

(points to the wall)


JIM

I said do you have any phone cards.


Blank faces from OLDER GRAYING COUPLE.


JIM

I said do you have any phone cards.


KENNY, rummaging through magazines, comes to life.  He pivots with his Reebok Lowtops (the kind that you buy at a wholesale liquidator) and holds up a magazine that shows the racier parts of the female anatomy.


KENNY

They got titty porn here in Argentina.


The centerfold is a triple-flap and it falls open as he motions for Jim to come over.


MIDLY ATTRACTIVE MAN IN HIS MID THIRTIES places the mayonnaise back on the shelf (carelessly, next to the mustard) and ferociously digs for his notepad and pen.  He starts scribbling as the men talk, sure that he will cry if they don’t continue.


KENNY

Jeez, Jim.  We’re gonna have to get this.  This is some primo stuff.


JIM

Yeah I’m gonna need that too.  


(a beat)


Yeah I’m really gonna need that later.  But we gotta walk around and stuff.  I don’t wanna carry it all day.  The bags are all see-through and stuff.


KENNY

It’s the last one though.  I’ll just buy it and leave it here.  We can pick up later.


MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MID-30’s GUY is obviously trying to process the logic behind this move.  He comes to the conclusion that, while quite simple, this solution is pure genius.  


KENNY

Hey Lady.  Can I buy this now and come back for it later?


FEMALE HALF OF OLDER, GREYING COUPLE looks confused by his words and even more puzzled as to why an American dressed like a gym teacher is waving a vagina in her face.  OLDER, GREYING COUPLE BOTH LOOK at MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MID-30’S GUY.


FEMALE HALF OF OLDER, GREYING COUPLE

(to MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MID-30’s GUY)

Habla Espanol?


MILDY ATTRACIVE MID-30’s GUY

Un Poquito Mas.


JIM

You gottta tell her what we want, bro.  Take one for the team.  Help us out.


KENNY

Tell her we’ll buy a bottle of Soco too.  It’s like, one third of the price that it is on The Island.  


(Scene continues to play out like this: MAM30’sG coordinates the purchase in broken Spanish, managing to convey that the gentlemen care to circle back for their purchases later, and that there is no need for giftwrapping. MAM30’sG purchases Hellman’s mayonnaise ((feeling like a sucker for falling for a Name Brand)) and gives a what-are-you-going-to-do shrug to the OLDER, GREYING COUPLE.)  


EXT. ROSCO SUPERMARCADO, BARILOCHE (CHILE) - DAY


MILDLY ATTRACTIVE MID-30’s GUY is wandering home, wondering if he, too, will end up like this one day, sharing print pornography on a holiday with the only friend that will still have him, possibly having some kind of competition to see who can orgasm faster, or more likely furthest.  He wonders about their ex-wives and at what point they pulled the ripchord from the biggest mistake of their lives.  He wonders about the wives' mothers, who surely warned them that This Would Happen, and if they rubbed it in after the breakup.


He ponders the endurance of print pornography, then agrees with himself that the life of this format is only five years from its demise, given the progression of handheld gadgets and the ubiquity of WiFi/GSM/etc.  


He also wonders why Jim and Kenny have come to Argentina and not Florida, where cheap sluts and Soco are within short driving distance of most hotel properties.  He then smiles because he understands why this moment is so important: The realization that matter how much of the world there is left to see, there will always be filthy men from strip-mall towns out there to amuse him.  He sleeps well for the first night in a week.

On Drowning

 

I used to manage a band called The Format.  They ceased to exist one year ago today.  It was a 4.9 quake in the grand scheme of the music world, causing damage to only poorly constructed buildings over small regions. The truly scary thing is that it didn’t occur anywhere near a fault line - not a single soul predicted it, let alone those of us who had built a house on top of the ground that ended up splitting in two.

I was in Bali, about four weeks into a break that coincided with the band’s writing period, (those gaps between records are actually used for developing relationships, writing about them, then fucking them up by leaving for 16 months).  Anyone who has ever managed a musician will tell that this is the time where you feel about as useful as a snowplow in Jamaica. The band’s principle songwriters, Nate and Sam, had a method for writing that was frustrating enough to send me packing.  For example:

Me: So where are you at with new songs?

Nate: We’ll be ready.

Me:  It’s cute that you would think I’m that dumb.  Where are you at with the songs?

Nate: We have some stuff. 

Me: Songs or parts of songs?

(pause)

Nate: We know how all of the parts are going to go together.  So, songs.

Me: But they’re not songs yet.

Nate: They’re parts of songs that form songs.

Me:  I understand.

(pause)

Me: So, when are you writing the songs?

(pause)

Nate: We were talking about it while playing Halo last night.

Me:  Oh, that’s a relief to hear.   At least you’re getting together and talking about it.

Nate:  Oh, no.  Sam was at his house and I was at mine.   We were on headsets during the game.

Me:  You’re writing songs with a video game as the conduit?

Nate:  Chill out.  You’re starting to sound like an old person.

The day in question had already been one of the worst I’d had in years.  I had found a boy floating facedown in the hotel pool, pulling him out with another guest and watching as a hapless lifeguard attempted to bring him back to life.   I went back to my room after the coroner finally arrived, his mother making noises like those of a person trying to breathe shortly before a fifth round of water boarding.   I trembled on the turquoise couch in my air-conditioned room, then found my phone and checked messages, glad for any distraction that they could provide. 

A voicemail from Sam.  “Dude, you should call me.”

I’ve heard parents talk about the nuances of their babies’ noises and about how they know exactly what each sound means, even if the child has not yet learned to speak.   A manager will also tell you that they can hear these tones from the artists with whom they work, and that “call me” voicemails can go unreturned for at least a few hours if necessary.  You should call me” is very different.  It often means that the band’s recording session is a complete disaster, that the artist wants to pull off of a tour or that the van’s real axle has inexplicably fallen onto the ground.  These calls always involve strife, dismay and some kind of cop/caper bailout plan.  I was quite sure that Sam would tell me that we were going to push back the making of their third album, which would mangle several months worth of scheduling and preparation.   It was an annoyance but an annoyance that I was paid for, nonetheless. 

“You’re gonna hate me”, said Sam.  I knew it – we were pushing back recording.  “Um, no dude.  You should sit down.”   He would explain to me over the course of the next hour that the band was taking a hiatus, “or something”.  

This was nothing that I was prepared for.  I asked hundreds of questions, in an attempt to figure out what might be done to put this back together.  A manager always looks to fix things, since most Total Fucking Freakouts (TFF’s) last exactly 24-36 hours and number 7-10 per year.   Yet, as the minutes went by, the conversation felt more like someone soft-selling a breakup (Sam) in an attempt not to hurt the other party (me).  He kept trying to make it not sound like a big deal because he knew that aside from all of the things this would do to the band members, it was also going to ruin me.  I had spent the previous two years helping to rebuild The Format’s career, betting that their future success would justify the extraordinary amount of time that managing their scenario entailed.  Their breakup was the equivalent of folding my cards with four aces. 

To review.   The rejuvenation of The Format’s career was a hot story, mostly because the odds were completely against it happening at all.   It was an anomaly that had come with hard work, screwball determination and a total turn of luck.   I had begun managing them at the end of their first album’s cycle, a moment during which any person with common sense would have Run Like The Dickens, just to get away from the sinkhole that regularly appeared at their feet.   To put it mildly, they were about as attractive as a hooker with a lip sore.  Still, based on recommendations from a few trusted friends and some incredible new Garageband demos, I flew to Phoenix to meet with them.

Nate and Sam picked me up in their touring van, sticking me in the back with a roped-down Wurlitzer and mismatched guitar amps.  I found this wildly charming, although I might have pretended to be inconvenienced at the time.  Over the next few hours we would discuss everything that had happened to them thus far:  Signed amidst huge buzz, then just 18.  Making an album under the thumb of a major label, with multiple producers and huge sums of money spent.  The same record label being bought just after the band’s album was released, practically assuring that it would get lost in the shuffle of commerce.  An ungodly amount of touring.  A slow and steady rise in audience, despite indifference from radio stations and magazines.   And through it all,  just enough money to get them through to the next tour and keep them from giving up.

The story amounted to these two kids bashing their heads against a wall for three years, knowing that they had something worthwhile but unable to find strong support, beyond their booking agent and lawyer (it should be noted here that the band’s new label had some solid supporters but were caught in an industry quagmire, what with eleven year old kids becoming able to get music for free - for eternity - on their six hundred dollar computers).  On the surface, especially to the music biz, the album was a complete flop.  It didn’t matter that they had been swept under the rug, nor did it matter that “The First Single” was a mega-hit waiting to happen.  The data showed that this horse had run its best race and come in second-to-last (always more pitiful than loser).   

Sitting in front of me were two young men who were nothing short of desperate.  They both smoked an extraordinary amount of cigarettes, perhaps one for every minute in an hour.  Their knees shook through the holes in their jeans and they both picked at their food in a way that suggested apathy for the thing that might keep them alive for the next day.  It wasn’t sadness or despondency; it was pure depression.   

We agreed to work together and they were dropped from their label within a few months.  

For the next couple of years, these two guys (and their band of merry men) would work nonstop, doing almost anything that I asked them to do (the bad examples are hilarious and, given my ego, must appear in their stories and not mine).  We opted to release their second record with only the help of the company that I worked for, a concept which is now gaining popularity but seemed like assisted suicide at the time.  We tricked out the internet, trying almost anything that was invented in any given week, with the band’s newfound freedom allowing us to out-maneuver the clumsy beasts that are known as Major Record Labels (not without making some hilarious errors in judgment along the way).   Nate answered the same ten questions about 5,000 times, in twenty languages.  Sam minded to the business, phoning daily to keep tabs on finances and projections. 

In short, we kicked some serious ass and, in my opinion, created our own luck using the technology that confused most other contemporary recording artists.  Our ship may have looked beautiful from the outside but inside all of the passengers were screaming the same thing as we hurled along into uncharted space.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

We kept everything together with duct tape and crazy glue, selling about 70,000 albums over the first twelve months.  The band shouldered all of the marketing costs but ultimately saw a lion’s share of the revenue.  We threw in one last tour before the end of the album’s cycle, deciding to give away the album for free on its one year anniversary.   30,000 people downloaded the Dog Problems that week and the tour sold out as fast as the link went around; we were learning that one empty pocket might somehow line the other with a fistful of bills.  A show at The Mayan Theatre was recorded and released on DVD. It was a recording of a band which was about to have it all, on their own terms and after the industry had left them for dead. 

Which takes me to Bali, to the boy dying and to the “or something” that had befallen The Format.  

As strange as it may seem, I do not think of the boy in the pool very often.   He seems faint to me, a person whom shaped my life but only in a way that would come out in a wallet-breaking shrink session. I’d bet that his mother and I have figured out the same thing in the past year: We are not in control.   We, the people who can shape and steer, do not hold the power. The control belongs to the boy and, possibly, his creator.  We will never learn why he drowned, what we could have done better or if we might have saved him.   We did the best that we could, we made the best choices possible and we’ll live with the consequences, for better or for worse.   

So, here I am, one year later, on a rooftop in Chile.  

Sam is creating music as a soundtrack-maker, also whispering about a new project that has me wondering if he’s cracked the online code, yet again.  He’s started a merchandise  company built on integrity and heart, which makes perfect sense if you know Sam.  He is noble and kind and brilliant, like some kind of character left out of a Narnia book.

Nate is completing an album with a new band, including a couple of songs which even morphed from The Halo Album That Wasn’t.  I’m listening to rough mixes now, absolutely confident that “All The Pretty Girls” will be my favorite song of 2009 (I’m on day five of singing every lyric and am paralyzed by the hook).    I feel jealous and sad that I won’t be a part of this release, almost as if I didn’t see something through that I might have.  But at the same time I’m smiling, thinking of Nate playing me the demos in his car while trying to park his Arizona car on New York City’s streets, his fender banging into the vehicle in front of us and his cigarette ashing on my arm.

The truth is that I never expected to meet these guys, these mismatched brothers.  The kid with the beard and the boy with elfin hair.   I don’t think that they’ve even fully processed how much they’ve done together, how much they’ve accomplished and against what odds.   It’s too soon for that sort of tallying up.   Still, I am hoping that they both go to bed tonight realizing that they are lucky to have been given the chances that they have. 

I think tonight I will let the band go and allow myself to dream about the boy, about the things that he might have seen and done.   And about how empty my arms felt as I pulled his waterlogged body from the pool.  It might be a good moment to grieve for something more important than the songs that spilled out of the heads of two kids from Phoenix, no matter how important they have been to us all.  

What a difference a year makes.